Title: Request For Silence

Author: Angel Leviathan

Spoilers: Season 3, Resolutions, Season 4 Hunters (…I think!)

Season: 4, after Hunters (…as above!)

Disclaimer: Voyager, characters etc, aren’t mine.

Notes: The chorus of the song ‘Hands Clean’ by Alanis Morisette just reminded me of JC somehow. Not sure how or why, but we were all singing and the idea appeared. I’m still trying to get back into writing Voyager fic, so be gentle.

-

"Why do you have to bring this up now?" she snapped, folding her arms across her chest in a defensive posture, praying that the lift was close enough to the Bridge for her to escape.

"Because I’m sick of you behaving as if nothing ever happened!" he retorted.

Kathryn clenched her teeth, "…Nothing ever happened…" she almost hissed her denial.

"And that’s why we’ll never get past this," Chakotay replied.

She wouldn’t make eye contact, "…That’s enough, Commander," she mumbled under her breath, breathing a sigh of relief as the doors opened and she bolted for her freedom.

He was left standing there staring after her, suddenly fuming again. Always running away. She’d never talked about it, about them, just avoided it and desperately tried to act as a best friend should. Maybe she was over it.

Maybe she really did think of them as nothing but friends.

…But sometimes he caught her staring at him as if she wished things were different.

He could put up with that. But her outright denial of anything ever having been between them…

No.

"I don’t think it is, Kathryn," Chakotay barked across the Bridge.

Shit.

Everybody present had fallen silent, and for several seconds it felt as if even the ship had quieted itself in shock.

She had halted just before her chair and was glaring at him as if she could make him drop dead with a single stare.

Many people had been on the end of that look.

He’d just never thought it would be him.

"In my ready room, Commander."

Chakotay followed her, unrepentant. He’d done nothing wrong. It was about time that the crew learnt that there was more to the Captain they served than a uniform and snapped orders. The door slid shut behind them and he suddenly wished that it had slammed.

"Just what the hell do you think you’re playing at!?" Kathryn exclaimed.

"Making you take notice."

"And you think the Bridge is the appropriate place to do so?"

"If only the sheer embarrassment makes you take notice, then yes," if he had thought he would get away with an indifferent shrug he would have done so.

Kathryn took several steps away from him, "Just what do you want from me, Chakotay?"

He didn’t need to think about his reply.

"I want you."

We’ll fast forward to a few years later,

She stared at the floor, "…You can’t have me."

"Why not?" Chakotay demanded, hoping to provoke a response.

"This is about that letter, isn’t it? Now that I’m a ‘free woman’?" she whirled away from him, "I should never have told you. I knew you’d try something, I just knew you’d-"

"Knew I’d what? Knew I’d what, Kathryn?" he interrupted, looking down at her.

"Knew you’d try and make me-"

"Make you?" he gave a bark of a laugh, "I’m not trying to make you do anything. If you didn’t want to, you needn’t have told me what was in that letter, back then, if you didn’t want to, why did you kiss me? Why did you let me hold you through the night if you didn’t want me to?" his voice rose in anger.

"That’s damned well enough!" she shouted. Kathryn turned back to face him, "You want to know why? Fine, I’ll tell you why. Because I had finally resigned myself to the fact that we weren’t going to get off that planet, that it was just you and me until our dying days. I could have really fallen for you, and you know what? I think I already had. You remember. You were there. If you felt anything like I did, then you’ll remember how it felt to have it ripped away. I did what I did so we’d know what could have been, not stayed awake for nights on end wondering!"

"And then you’d just wipe your memory? Say nothing ever happened?"

"If it meant we could stay friends and meant I could still operate as the Captain of this ship, then yes. I know I hurt you, you don’t think I don’t feel it? Well I do. And I’m sorry if you can’t keep quiet about it any longer, but I’ve learnt to live with the pain. I’m not going to hurt us both again by acknowledging something that happened in a past life," she finished quietly and sat behind her desk, not looking at him.

"A past life? That’s what you call it? Many of my close friends have been slaughtered or incarcerated and you think you can sit here and talk about a ‘past life’? You only get one chance and its over before you think! So ignore all this," Chakotay advanced toward the desk, "But I can’t ignore it. You want to keep pretending, carry on, stay in your world of denial, but if you’re going to continue laughing and joking with me as if there’s everything but nothing there, then think about it. Because this is it. This is it, Captain, Kathryn, whoever you are today, this is it. All or nothing," he turned away and headed for the door, "All or nothing."

Kathryn sat there in a stunned silence as he left, eyes wide and unable to move. Snap decisions. She was used to making those. That’s what being a Captain was all about. Follow him. Make a scene. Sit here. Possibly cry. Follow him. Take her seat on the Bridge and take her shift in silence, staring straight ahead.

She stood up and walked slowly from the room, entering the bridge, staring straight ahead and at nobody in particular. When she glanced across at him, he was strangely engrossed in whatever readings he was analysing. So she took her seat beside him and continued to stare ahead, as if she couldn’t do anything else. Kathryn spent the next half hour in the same posture, with the same expression on her face, before she couldn’t take the tension any longer.

"…Dinner tonight?" escaped as a quiet sigh.

Chakotay took several moments to respond, "…I’ll be there."

She didn’t dare smile, or even look toward him.

She just hoped.

Fin