Title: True Self

Author: Angel Leviathan

Spoilers: Anything, everything.

Season: 1

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis, characters, concept, etc, don’t belong to me.

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Elizabeth had been considering slamming her fist into a wall for a good hour. Sitting alone in her quarters and silently fuming, she knew, wasn’t getting her anywhere. It wasn’t even as if she was angry at anything or anyone in particular. Just one of those days when everyone and everything pissed her off without trying. Of course, she’d been the polite and the ever calm Doctor Weir to them, knowing it wouldn’t do her any good to start slamming furniture around in their presence. And even when she’d returned to her quarters she’d only thrown a poor excuse for a cushion at the wall.

So when John Sheppard entered her quarters, eyes blazing and evidently caught in the same mood she was, when he trapped her against the wall and captured her lips with his own she certainly wasn’t against relieving the tension as they had done so many times before.

-

When she felt the shocks rippling through him she held him closely for a moment, tighter than she ever had before, not wanting to end the ecstasy that muddled her mind and confused her heart. He wasn’t afraid to call her name in the darkness; it was she who always refused to cry out.

When he shifted she turned away from him and closed her eyes, trying to drift off to sleep. This was the way it happened every time; he would leave her then or she would leave him, no questions, no talking, just silence and straight back to normal in the morning. Months ago she had decided that not even thinking about the situation was the better way to go; if she didn’t allow herself to think about it she couldn’t question it, him or herself. Elizabeth remained absolutely still; only when he was gone would she move and await waking up in the morning alone. She held her breath; he wasn’t moving. …Maybe he had left already. She decided not to chance it and remained still, pretending to already be asleep. Thinking this was a safe plan, she gasped in shock as a hand grasped her shoulder and pinned her on her back, before she was drawn into an inescapably passionate kiss. Stunned, she tried to push him away, "John, what’re you-" Elizabeth struggled for a moment whilst her mind registered that she had no reason to be trying to escape him. As soon as she began to respond to him, he abruptly broke away. All she could do was stare up at him in shock, "…John…?"

John stared straight back at her for several seconds, "…I should’ve known…"

"What?" she reached to touch his shoulder, recoiling when he flinched.

He studied her for a moment, "I should’ve known this was just about the sex," he made as if to leave her bed, but she held him fast

"You came to me, if you remember correctly," Elizabeth replied, her tone deadly even.

"And all the times you came to me?"

"Don’t twist this…" she whispered.

"I’m not twisting anything," he propped himself on one elbow, "Is it always going to be like this?"

"Like what?"

"Whenever, why-ever, no questions, just-"

She slipped an arm around his neck and tried to kiss his questions away, only to have him pull away.

"This is just what I’m talking about," John stated.

Elizabeth looked away and exhaled slowly, "…What do you want from me?" she looked back at him, "An admission of undying love?"

"Elizabe-"

"I can’t have this conversation," she shifted uncomfortably, "I wont have this conversation."

"So we really are just using each other?"

That caught her attention, "Don’t say that."

"Then what? What is this? We sleep in each other’s beds and we don’t talk about it. We never mention it outside of these rooms. We don’t ask, we just do."

"You never said-"

"Exactly. We never said," John sighed and sat up, not willing to look at her. He shook his head, "I don’t want to keep making love to a woman who I know is never going to think of it like that."

She sat up, mind reeling, expression thankfully not betraying her, "…I…you…" she closed her eyes, "I need you too much. If I have to keep you and the man whose bed I creep into in the early hours separate…the nights and the days separate…then-"

He turned round and kissed her again, stunned as she responded without hesitation, deepening the kiss and wrapping her arms around him as if she’d never let go. As suddenly as she’d embraced him she tore herself away, leaving them both breathless.

Elizabeth shook her head, eyes tightly shut, "…Don’t make me choose…I can’t do this…I can’t do this and love you, knowing I could be sending you to your death every day…"

He rested his forehead against hers, "…You love me?"

She pulled away from him, eyes still shut, but nodded reluctantly all the same.

"Then let me love you."

She felt his lips tracing her neck before they found hers again. She shook her head again and tried to avoid him until he kissed her more insistently. With a whimper of regret she finally forcibly pushed him away as she lay back down and refused to let her tears fall.

John gazed down at her before he spoke, "Elizabeth."

She opened her eyes, and in that moment he realised something. He had finally broken through to the real Elizabeth. Not the capable, ever efficient women he worked with every day, not the woman who had been seeking him out to banish her pain, just her. She gazed steadily back at him, suddenly unafraid.

"Let me love you," he repeated as he lay back beside her, drawing her to him.

She nodded silently and finally surrendered herself.

Her true self.

-

Fin