Title: Surrender, Release, Relinquish

Author: Angel Leviathan

Spoilers: None. I think.

Season: 2, future.

Notes: The quote that spawned the fic is at the end, said by one of my friends.

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She wonders if she’s being too cold and aloof sometimes. Not in the grand manner of pretending absolute indifference and feigning that nothing can hurt her, but for the simple reason that he’s told her that he loves her…and she can’t say it back.

Its not that she doesn’t want to. It really is more than she actually can’t, that she can’t bring herself to, because she knows, or rather feels, that everything will change then. She will lose any control she has over the situation and he will know that she could be utterly dependant on him, emotionally, at any given point. That one look or word said out of place could affect her mood for the rest of the day. Not that she’d ever show it, she would just rather he didn’t get the chance to think she might. She doesn’t want him to know she could be completely distracted by him at any time of the day and that he might be the only one with the power to heal her. But she knows the balance of power is tipped in her favour whilst they throw around their ‘command’ personalities and sometimes wonders what it would be like if she surrendered, let him love her and overpower her completely.

She’s just another woman, after all. Just another person. Sometimes she thinks everybody forgets that, and she wonders just how good an act she puts on. Just because they haven’t seen her laugh herself sick or cry herself to sleep, doesn’t mean she doesn’t. He’s seen more of her than they’re ever likely to, and, in some respects, that scares her. The fact that he loves her scares her even more. She knows that he must have gone through the same thoughts she has; that he’s effectively laid his emotional wellbeing at her feet, that she has the control, the power, to turn him away or make him the happiest man on the planet. She fears that the loss of power will make her weak, if it is a loss of power at all, and she isn’t so willing to take the risk. She doesn’t want to place her heart in the hands of another, and trust them so completely with it. Unfortunately, she knows she’s already lost that battle, she just won’t admit it. Because she does love him and she is in love with him. She just can’t trust herself not to read further into everything, wonder if, on some level, she’s being manipulated, and though she knows the likelihood of him trying it is nearly non-existent, she’s not beyond convincing herself that its happening.

She doesn’t want it known that she can love so completely, that she can be weak and that she does cry and she does hurt. Even one person knowing is a threat to her personal security. She doesn’t want questions and interrogations to get her to pour her heart out, and she doesn’t want him to know that he could interrogate her and make her crack. She doesn’t want him to know she’s fallen for him, hard. She’s already in enough of a panic about it herself, she doesn’t need him to know too. She wants to know she can be an island and project the image she wants, and the thought of him knowing that she might just need to fall apart in his arms one day scares her. Because he can provoke the worst, and the best, from her, and she can’t cope with him using the knowledge that she really does love him to break down her shell at the worst possible moment.

She knows she’s being a coward. She wonders why he’s still willing to be with her at all, when she can't utter three simple words. He must know. He must know she loves him, or, that’s what she tries to tell herself. But for now, she knows she loves him and that he loves her…and it will have to do. Because she can’t surrender just yet.