Title: Some Answers

Author: Angel Leviathan

Spoilers: Anything, everything.

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis, characters, concept, etc, don’t belong to me.

Notes: None.

-

"Rumours are going to start circulating. You and this ocean. The love affair of a lifetime."

Elizabeth looked up from her hiding place on the edge of the grounding station, "Not quite a lifetime," she answered.

"Shocking. What will people say?"

"When I was a kid, I was terrified of drowning," she admitted, glancing back at him, rueful smile on her face, "I could swim perfectly well, but short of dragging me, nobody could get me into the deep end of a swimming pool. I wouldn’t even go too close to lakes because I was afraid of falling in."

"So pretending to give you a shove toward those railings right now wouldn’t be such a great idea?" John questioned.

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow and shot him a half smile, daring him, "Personally, I wouldn’t care. But there would be dire, dire consequences."

"Such as?"

"That would be telling."

He sat down beside her, "So you’re living in a city surrounded by the ocean and you’re not the slightest bit unnerved? I remember you saying you couldn’t sleep without the sound of the ocean anymore."

"Its true. I did miss it. But then, I’m not afraid of it anymore," she shrugged.

"How come?" John leant back against the wall.

She smiled and looked down, "One of my brothers decided to shove me into a river one day. I hated him for it for weeks afterward. But he wouldn’t help me and he wouldn’t jump in after me, no matter how much I panicked and shouted for him to help. He helped me out of the river in the end, but only when I’d calmed down and started treading water for long enough to save myself."

"Did you get him back for it?"

Elizabeth laughed softly, "I didn’t have to. When he brought me home, soaking wet and shaking, my parents frightened him with their reprimands more than I ever could have." Her smile faded as she looked back out across the ocean, "…He might have helped me conquer that fear, but it doesn’t mean…it doesn’t mean I wasn’t afraid when the Genii made Rodney and I stand here in that raging storm for so long," her eyes were glazed over, lost in her memories, "…I hated it…because I had to be the strong one…and somewhere the little girl afraid of the water wanted to run away and hide," she drew her knees closer to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, "There’s a coward in all of us. It just depends on how long you can silence it for."

John’s gaze rested on her for a few moments before he looked away, afraid of making her uncomfortable. He would have reached out to her, tried to comfort her in some way, but they were speaking of personal demons, ones that could only be fought alone. Offering help would only indicate he assumed she was losing the battle. So he chose to speak instead, "…Sometimes its better not to fight it…"

She shot him a confused look, "What do you mean?"

"I mean that sometimes it would be best to be like McKay. Openly afraid, then people wouldn’t expect as much from you, so that winning smaller battles would be a bigger deal. He behaves like a coward so he can choose his battles and be strong when he absolutely has to be. So its not expected of him to take up the fight as soon as the word is said."

Elizabeth looked away, "…And you always act the brave soldier so you can fall apart on your own time…" she dared to utter.

He didn’t deny it, "Yeah."

"Why?"

John stood up and walked to lean against the railings, staring out at the ocean, "…Because I don’t like it when I’m not in control. Even if people just think I know what I’m doing, that’s fine. I want to make the choices and decisions myself, protect myself and not have somebody do it for me."

She knew why he couldn’t look at her. Because most often it was her taking control of the situation away from him and ordering him to do something he might not have done. Instead of avoiding the issue, she chose to address it, "That must be difficult being in a chain of command. I couldn’t live like that and take orders."

"’Problems with authority’. I guess that’s what they call it. I created hell at the academy when I was a kid. I wasn’t kidding when I said people were surprised I’d ever made it past Captain. I know my own mind, and I know when something’s wrong. I’ll take orders, but it doesn’t mean I have to like them," he left the railings and started to pace the length of them.

"John, I-"

"I am going to fight you, Elizabeth. You must know that by now. I don’t do it on purpose and I don’t mean it as a personal insult, I just…" he stopped, "I just have to let you know what I feel, even if it makes me an ignorant and insubordinate son of a bitch in your eyes."

Elizabeth stood up, "And I’m going to fight you too. Even you are my friend and I have to call you on that score sometimes. I just hope you can tolerate me checking your actions at times. I hear you on a lot of issues, but we just don’t see eyes to eye on some subjects and I am going to play the chain of command card of those occasions. I trust you and I honestly listen to you, I hope you understand that. If we didn’t know each other so well, perhaps it would be easier-"

"No," John shook his head, "No, it wouldn’t."

She was silent, observing him with an intense gaze when he looked away from her.

"Because if I have to give up control to someone, I’d rather it was you," he admitted.

Elizabeth hesitated, before she nodded, once.

He paced the entire length of the railings again, then turned back to face her, "Just try not to put me in my place too many times, huh?" he shot her a grin.

She smiled, despite herself, and stared at the floor as she laughed, "I’ll try." Elizabeth caught up with him a couple of paces as he started for the door, catching his hand in hers. They really did work better as a team. But sometimes that just wasn’t possible. At least now she was sure that they would be alright even when they were on opposite sides of the table.

"Wanna raid the Atlantis network for the gossip they don’t want us to hear?"

"Of course."

-

Fin