I stared as the group around the infirmary bed parted to reveal John lying on it. …Why was he in the Infirmary? Had I pissed him off so much he’d gone and smashed something? No, its just me who does that, apparently. But still, why was he there? About to ask the question, I was silenced by Carson’s explanation.

"…There was an…incident…" he began.

"I was concerned for Major Sheppard’s wellbeing, so I had him brought here," Teyla elaborated.

"What happened?" I asked.

Carson looked back at John, who shook his head slightly, more of a twitch than anything. The Doctor sighed, "Patient confidentiality," he stated.

Well. It seemed like they all knew what was going on. Patient confidentiality? Everyone in the city but me confidentiality more like. Then again, I suppose he had every right, whether this was some form of game we were playing or not. I had hurt him, so he was going to hurt me. Were we really that petty? I’m not sure anymore.

"Doctor Weir, a word, if you don’t mind?" Carson started toward his office, "I’ll deal with the rest of you in a moment," he said to the team I had been off-world with. Just what I needed, another audience.

"Sir, if you need anything, just give us a call," Ford began, "Or yell real loud down the corridor from your quarters," he grinned.

"I am sure the rest of the city will not appreciate Major Sheppard waking them up," Teyla nudged her lover and smiled.

"Don’t worry guys, I got it covered. Already free to go, seeing as the Doc knows he can’t keep me here for more than five minutes before I turn into a five year old," John smirked.

"Turn into?" McKay echoed.

"Very funny, Rodney."

"I thought so," he turned and headed from the room, following Aiden and Teyla.

"I hope you feel better," she said as she moved away.

"Anything," Ford repeated, "Yell."

"Will do," John threw them a mock salute before he closed his eyes and pretended to sleep. It was then that I followed Carson into his office, closing the door behind me.

"He says you know what happened to him," Beckett frowned.

"He told me. He told me everything," I answered.

"Everything?"

"Everything," I insisted, not mentioning the fact that I had run from him after he had.

"Then if you don’t mind me saying, you’re the one that’s going to have to help him," Carson stated.

I wouldn’t make eye contact, "…I know…"

"He wont speak to us. I don’t have the full story yet and neither does anybody else. He went bloody crazy at Teyla earlier, she won’t say it to his face, but she was afraid he was going to physically harm her at one point. He thought he was being tricked again. The Major says if he tries to hurt anyone we should lock him up, but that’ll only make matters worse…"

"You want me to talk to him?"

"I want you to do whatever you can to get John Sheppard back."

Maybe I can get him back. I’m not sure I can get me back.

I nodded and left the room without another word. John’s eyes flashed open as soon as I passed by his bed.

"How’d the negotiations go?"

"Easy," I answered with a shrug, "Just closing them. I didn’t have a great deal to do with it…I just wanted to make sure," I shrugged again, "You know."

He pushed the covers back from his bed and stood up. Strangely, he wore casual clothes, not anything Infirmary related. So they believed it really was all mental?

"Come on," he started for the doors, "We’re going to one of the piers."

"Why?" I frowned.

"You’ll see."

I followed him, glad I didn’t have to make eye-contact. It made me feel unclean. After last night… Unclean… It had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. He didn’t make me feel that way. I was disgusted with myself. I am disgusted with myself. I do regret it. For how it was. Not what it was. I mean…I’ve never…not like that…not that much…never…felt that…way…with anyone. Anyone in my life. Nobody has made me react to them like he did that night. And I walked away. Again.

-

"In the pouring rain?" I blinked rapidly as the raging wind sent more raindrops into my eyes. Its hard to look defiant when you’re having trouble just seeing a foot ahead of you.

"In the pouring rain," he nodded, "You want to keep going off-world? Prove you can do this."

"Prove I can run laps in the pouring rain with a pack on my back?"

John folded his arms, "What do you think they made us do in training? Its alright for you, you can override everybody and say you’re gonna go anyway, regardless of whether you can-"

He was saying those things just to get a reaction. Whether he wanted me to scream at him and refuse or drop the pack and stalk off, I didn’t know. So I wasn’t going to do either. I took a step forward, then a step back, hesitant. This reminded me too much of when the Geni had taken over Atlantis. And he knew it. Made to work in that damned storm. I was helpless then. Could I actually do this? Yes, I could, damnit, I wasn’t going to fall at the first hurdle. I turned back to glare at him again for a moment, before I stepped out into the rain. I was soaked almost instantly. But despite the fact that I could barely see, I was soaked to the skin, and I was carrying a ridiculously heavy pack, I broke into a run along the pier. If you could call it a run. This was going to be harder than I thought.

-

Bastard. Standing there smugly, watching me. Didn’t even offer me a way out. Not that I should have expected him to. Smugly? Maybe that was a bit harsh. He didn’t look smug at all. Every time I was actually able to see him, he looked concerned. Perhaps he hadn’t expected me to get so far. After standing there for so long, he was just as soaked as I was. Still he refused to leave. I wished he would. I’d rather he turned and left me to my failure than stood there and made me feel worthless. Failure? I had a choice. He said we wouldn’t stop even if I begged him. I had no intention of begging him for anything. He was only doing this for my own good, right? He wasn’t getting some sadistic kick out of it. So, I could just drop to the ground and refuse to move, or I could carry on. Despite the burning pain in my chest, the headache and the ache in my knee that was sending shooting pains up my leg. I only had a couple of lengths to go, right? I must’ve been at this for hours. How pathetic. Hours? I was running back toward the city when I heard him call out.

"That’s enough," he sounded almost afraid.

When I reached him, I dropped the pack at his feet, if only so I’d remain standing.

He left it were it was, "…Let’s head back inside."

I tried to hide the fact that I was limping, unsuccessfully. Damned knee. Damn him and my knee. Actually, damn me too.

John stopped when he realised I wasn’t keeping up. He glanced back at me, head tilted, waiting for an explanation.

I refused to speak. At least when I was standing still I didn’t have to pretend I was still capable of walking in a normal fashion. Before I had the chance to ‘walk’ straight past him, he had one arm under mine, supporting me as we started back inside.

"…Thank you…" I mumbled, stubbornly.

"Don’t thank me yet," he answered, "This is just the first step."

-

We showered together through mutual silent consent. It wasn’t as if we had anything to hide. We’d slept together the previous night, for gods sakes. There was nothing remotely sexual about it, just keeping each other warm, so tired we could barely stand. I was shaking from the cold, trying to ignore the pain in my knee, whilst he shook from…I don’t know. The cold, I was sure, but I wouldn’t care to hazard a guess at what demons haunted him.

We fell into my bed, exhausted. We weren’t even touching on the slim mattress…but then again, we weren’t exactly talking either.

-