Title: Naming the Future

Author: Angel Leviathan

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: Anything, everything

Season: ‘year’ 3

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis, characters, concept, etc, aren’t mine.

Notes: Contains talk on abortion and related subjects. I don’t think these are topics you can just play with and I really hope this doesn’t offend anybody, but the fic wouldn’t leave me alone.

-

"…John?"

"Yeah?"

"…I…have to tell you something."

Elizabeth Weir had been seeing John Sheppard for several months into the third year of the Atlantis mission. If she was honest, she was quite shocked that they had become so attached so quickly, and, if she admitted it, the thought scared her a considerable amount. It wasn’t the sudden thought of growing old with him, losing him, but that she had fallen in love with him so quickly…they were almost inseparable. She knew he loved her, didn’t even have to ask, but, in the back of her mind, lingered the thought that he had the right to know what she had remained silent about. The topic hadn’t ever been discussed, and, try as she might, she had never found an appropriate moment to tell him. As it was, they were seated on his bed, various files littered around him, components of tablet computers acting as expensive paperweights. She knew it wasn’t the right time and knew it was so out of the blue she would probably stun him a great deal more than she intended. But if she could just say it…it would be easier on both of them if radical changes had to be made. In the form of being alone again.

"…I can’t have children," she said quietly, looking away.

John was silent for several long moments, desperately trying to think of something to respond with that didn’t sound patronisingly sympathetic or self centred.

She inhaled quickly and made to stand up, "So that’s it then," Elizabeth stated, in a tone that held no despair or defeat, just acceptance, taking his silence as something he couldn’t bear. She supposed she’d had the time to come to terms with it, but wasn’t quite prepared for lingering pain that returned when she spoke the words. If she was honest, she’d never really considered children with anybody. She knew Simon would have made a wonderful father, but neither of them ever brought the subject up. It was never an option. She spent her time flitting from country to country whilst he threw himself into his work at every opportunity. She had never even seen herself with children. Never thought up names, even as a child, naming her future sons and daughters with her friends. They were always something other people had. Somehow, some-when, she had assumed that one day she would have children. Until she knew she couldn’t.

He reached out to grip her arm lightly, making her stay put, "…Why can’t you have children?" he asked softly.

Elizabeth forced herself to relax and look up, "…I had an abortion in my early twenties. Very early twenties," she sighed, "…I was just a kid. But I look back now and there are fifteen, sixteen year olds who get into trouble and somehow they manage…it makes me feel like such a coward…"

"An abortion?" John repeated, reaching for her hand. He wondered if she would snatch it away and remain distant, and was more than relieved when she didn’t flinch.

"I thought I loved him," there was a trace of a sad smile on her face, "or he loved me. Either would have done, either I tried to convince myself. I knew we weren’t in love. I must have known…I’ve spent so long analysing everything I really don’t know anymore… We were doing our degrees, final year. I suppose we were just lonely and stressed out…just something to distract us for a while…make it all go away. Knew our families expected great things from us…and that just made it worse…"

"…Did he ever know?"
She shook her head, "No. I thought about it, you know. I thought about keeping it and taking whatever consequences arose. Even if I had, I wouldn’t have told him. I couldn’t have ruined him like that. He was brilliant…but he wasn’t good at reality. Couldn’t cope. I had no idea what to do. I couldn’t have coped either. Academics were safe. …And they expected everything from me," she blinked and frowned slightly, "I don’t blame them, whatever I might say, don’t think I blame them. I expected too much of myself. My mother started teaching me French at six years old and was so astounded that I picked it up so quickly…too quickly…but that was it, you know? Something I was good at, something I could live. How could I bring up a child with no qualifications to keep us afloat? I couldn’t do it. Ruin my life, my child’s, destroy the dreams my family had for me. I did what I thought was the best…for everybody…" Elizabeth winced as she looked up, as if she felt the physical pain again, "…They botched it up. Something went wrong. I didn’t ask for details. I couldn’t take that either. I was just informed that I couldn’t have children. Just like that… I went to a doctor a few years ago, just to see if it was true…just to see if there was any chance…" she shook her head again, "No." Elizabeth shifted uncomfortably as if she might move away, "So I understand if…if you think continuing like this is a bad idea."

"…Why would I think that?" John questioned.

"I can’t give you children, John. I’m being blunt and I’m sorry, but there is no chance of me ever being able to give you children," she smiled gently, "You love kids. You deserve the chance to have a family, be a father."

"And if I don’t want kids if you aren’t their mother?"

"John, just because I can’t…" she struggled for words, "…it doesn’t mean you have to accept it. You could have a family. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I can’t. Maybe I shouldn’t have let us get this far…I just…had to tell you…before…"

"You want me to leave you? Is that it?" he asked.

"I want you to be happy."

"Elizabeth," he had to practically drag her across the bed and into his arms, "I am happy. With you. Sure, it might have been nice one day to have a mini-you running around, but its not something I sit and daydream about on a daily basis, okay? Do you?"

She shook her head, "I stopped dreaming of children when I knew I’d conceived. It terrified me."

"Can you see us with kids? Here? Atlantis? I’d be scared to death anytime anyone brought a gun within three hundred feet of our kid! I’d freak out whenever a ship appeared in the vicinity!"

"You don’t freak out now?"

"You know what I mean," he kissed the top of her head, "…Kids just aren’t an option now. Would you swap this for life back on Earth?"
"Never," she uttered.

"My point exactly. Its too dangerous out here to bring a new life into all this. Fair enough if one day we’re both desperate for kids, we can look into other ways. But I’m not going to run off and leave you because we can’t have children."

"I can’t have children," Elizabeth stressed.

"We can’t have children," he repeated, "I don’t want kids that you aren’t ‘mom’ to."

She settled herself in his arms, keeping quiet for several minutes, letting the sense of relief flood her senses, "…John?"

"Hmmm?"

"…Thank you."

"For what?"

"…For understanding."

-

Fin