Title: So Much Left to Learn

Author: Angel Leviathan

Spoilers: Anything, everything. Season 1.

Season: 1

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis, characters, concept, etc, aren’t mine.

Notes: Random thoughts after watching Battle Royale again. Has Weir ever killed anybody? I apologise if she has in the series and I missed it, or its implied she has, but I thought it would be an interesting aftermath to write.

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He found her slumped against the back wall of her quarters, in the small gap between the bed and the connecting wall, knees drawn to her chest, head resting on them. Silent. He’d never seen her like that. Ever. Not even when she was kicking herself for making a bad call.

"…Elizabeth?"

She must have heard the door open, must know he was there. Yet she didn’t respond, didn’t even twitch.

"Elizabeth?" John took several steps to kneel in front of her, "…You-"

She suddenly shifted, head raised to look at him, "Am I okay?"

Of course ‘are you okay?’ was a stupid question…

John opted to remain silent and just inclined his head slightly.

"…No," she shook her head, "No, I’m not," she wasn’t tearful and her voice didn’t shake, but it was her eyes that disturbed him the most. Haunted. Soulless.

"…Room for another in there?"

Elizabeth shifted across so he could join her, both huddled between the bed and the wall.

He was quiet for several moments before he spoke, "…The day was going to come when-"

"When I had to murder somebody?" she snapped.

"When you had to take a life," John corrected.

She saw straight through him, "Call it whatever you like, John, I still killed somebody."

"In self defence! In defence of everyone here!" he protested.

"That doesn’t matter! How, when, why, where, any of it, it doesn’t matter."

"So next time somebody shoots at you, or at any of us, you think the right thing to do is let it happen? Just lay down and die?"

"Of course not!"

"Then what-" John began in harsh voice, before he thought better of it, "…Then what is it?"

She wouldn’t look at him, "…I’ve always been taught to value life. Even the life of your worst enemy."

"That doesn’t mean fighting to protect your people is wrong."

"I didn’t say it was. I’ve just always been told that taking a life is wrong. I know it has to be done, I know sometimes we have to do it all the time…I’ve…I’ve just never been the one…"

"With the gun in your hand…"

Elizabeth nodded, silently, "…And firing said weapon…"

He reached out to draw her closer to him, arm around her, "It doesn’t make you a bad person.

"It means I’ve changed."

"That could be said of everyone here. Absolutely everyone in Atlantis," John quietly reminded her, "Nobody’s going to stare or point or notice anything."

"But I’ll know. And I’ll notice. That’s the problem," Weir looked up at him, "How do you do it? How do you rationalise it?"

It was his turn to look away, "I don’t. I just know it has to be done. It comes down to us or them. There are innocents on both sides…but I don’t know about the other side. I haven’t seen them, I don’t know them. And I know the other guy is thinking exactly the same thing. I know that I have to keep firing because otherwise those I love are going to die. So I keep shooting…" his voice trailed off and he fell silent, lost in his own thoughts for a moment. John finally looked back at her, "Sometimes you don’t have a choice. You can be shaking with your finger on the trigger and screaming as you fire, but you know you have to live. Because if you aren’t there, who else is going to die?"

She shrank back for a second, before she leaned closer and pressed a kiss to the side of his head, "…I’m sorry. I’m being selfish and sitting here wrapped up in my own thoughts when-"

"Don’t be," John held her closer to him, "…I went through the same thing when I first…" he didn’t need to finish the sentence.

Elizabeth nodded, silently, "…We make a good team…"

He sighed, "Still a lot to learn though," he gazed back at her, all defences down, "…Teach me to think before I act…"

She stared back at him, into his dark eyes, seeing the pain in his soul, "…Teach me not to…"

They nodded, mute.

Open.

And broken.

-

Fin