Title: Keys to Pain
Author: Angel Leviathan
Spoilers: Anything, everything.
Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis, characters, concept, etc, don’t belong to me.
Notes: Fic stems from the song ‘Piano in the Dark’ by Jade of Sweetbox.
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No-one understands these are her eighty eight keys to pain…
She was a quiet child. Not withdrawn and certainly not introverted, but a quiet young girl who always seemed to consider her moves before she made them. With two older, and one younger, brothers, she often felt she was growing up more as one of the boys than the young lady she truly was. She had friends who saw the heart she sometimes tried to hide and a family who would have done anything to prevent her from being hurt. But they couldn’t protect her. That much they knew. Before she learnt to pretend not to care, before she could convince herself that not every little nuance of a statement mattered, she was easily hurt. Sensitive what was they called her. She’d stand her ground and fight back with her brothers, but rarely with others. Her mother believed she needed something to pour her emotion into. So her father bought her a piano and she taught herself to play it.
And no-one ever sees her rinse down the hurt before it stains…
They could always judge her mood by whatever melody she was playing, whether she was hammering out a tune as loud as she could, or absently running her fingers down the keys. She poured her life into the keys and through into music, blood and tears staining the keys before they left their mark on her. Failed relationships, failed exams (she never could grasp mathematics), the piano heard about them all. Always reliving her pain until it faded enough to move on. She began to speak more than she ever had before, because the pain was bearable and the little things, harsh words exchanged in the heat of the moment, a scathing look from a classmate, didn’t matter so much anymore. As she grew, she stepped away from the piano, later afraid to touch it in case the pain burnt her again. Elizabeth no longer poured her emotions into the piano; she channelled them into other people, determined to make a difference. She had never played happy tunes. Always the pain, always the shame.
But now she’s found the real life, not much of her remains…
She’s under more emotional stress now than she ever has been in her life. Trying to keep afloat and make the choice of life or death for those who followed her to another galaxy. The quiet little girl, the nervous teen, is gone. She is in command and she’s not afraid to let people know it. She might sink back against the door to her quarters once its closed, but she won’t ever let on how much her heart is breaking sometimes. Except to him. And he might have something to do with that heartbreak. They’re circling ever closer, and she wants him, but knows it could lead to disaster. She’d rather love him as a friend than resent him as a lover. She’s always composed and ready to meet the next challenge, but its exhausting. And she makes mistakes. And it hurts like nothing has before. She wishes she could turn the clock back, take back orders and bring those they’ve lost back from the dead. The guilt eats away at her and she is ashamed of herself, even though she knows she had no choice.
If only she knew how to play her life like she plays her shame…
They were told they could have anything, within reason, when they made contact with Earth again. So they asked for anything within that reason. She would have remained silent had several others not requested a piano. Somehow, nobody thought it was a strange request. People had even brought their own instruments with them, the only thing that had stopped the others was that they couldn’t fit a piano in a backpack. She’s heard them belting out all sorts of melodies on the piano they received, laughing and smiling, music to dance to, music to write to. She never joins them. She fears she would taint them with what she needs to hear flowing from the keys she strikes.
When the lights go down and the world’s asleep, she plays piano in the dark…
He watches her sometimes. He’s uncertain whether she knows he’s there, but it never stops her playing. She pretends to be indifferent about ‘ownership’ of the piano, but when the sun sets and the nightshift starts, she’s strangely, and secretly, possessive of it. She wants nobody to know she can play. She doesn’t fight and she generally doesn’t involve herself in screaming arguments; this is her release. If she knows John observes her, she doesn’t let on. Sometimes he thinks it must be a sign of trust, others he thinks she is completely oblivious to his presence. She never smiles whilst she plays. He can feel the tension in the air and it drives him crazy…but he can never leave. Just like he can never talk to her about it. He hates that she feels she has to behave in such a manner, but hearing her play assures him that she is capable of more emotion than she often displays. He wishes he could be the one who hears of her pain, from her words alone, so he might ease it, but for now, he is content to hear of it through the music. So he watches her play piano in the dark. And hopes she might one day play it for him in the light of day.
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Fin